mei's mindscape

2024

(10/15) i believe in the circadian rhythm

(9/27) recovering from extreme clench

(8/15) mei goes it alone!

(7/18) the joy of being known

(6/30) little increments

(5/24) site musings 2: electric boogaloo

(3/30) comics and celebrity crushes

(2/22) one week trip to oz

(2/21) it's been a long time coming: eras tour, babey!

(2/3) bracelets and a break

2023

(11/24) i'm back!

(11/5) wrapping up the past month

(10/3) bees and turtles help you draw better

(8/23) site musings

(8/2) comics and barbie and maybe i have adhd, oh my

(7/21) finding friends in smaller (web) spaces

i believe in the circadian rhythm


i've had a very unrestful 2 1/2 weeks, but i think it's about to be over before i hit 3, which is GOOD!!!

i'll get the complainy parts out of the way first before getting to the nicer bits.

the reason for my exhaustion is that my dog has been in heat and has obviously not been having a good time. this is her THIRD cycle since we got her spayed, by the way!! that's right – i am NOT an irresponsible dog owner lmfao. she apparently has something called ovarian remnant syndrome, in which some cell or whatever the fuck is still there and causes her to continue to get her period twice a year.

i've read that this is not exactly the vet's fault, as i was initially inclined to believe, but i did want to see if we could do surgery again to get the ovary removed. we brought her in for some tests to see if she would be fit for surgery, and she was. but on the day of, the vet there explains that:

  1. the same vet who did her spaying surgery was coming to do this one;
  2. the procedure would take much longer, so she'd be under anesthesia for hours; and
  3. they could not guarantee being able to find and extract the ovary.

what! what the hell. so much risk for a not-even-guaranteed reward. we ended up not going through with it. i don't take it against the vets, but i also feel like they definitely could have said all that before...

anyway, we've decided to tough it out, but it's been a rough time for both of us. she doesn't sleep well, so i don't sleep well, and i've really been feeling the effects of it.

it's wild that i'm saying that, because for most of my life i was a "sleep can't touch me!!!" kind of girl. i stayed up late and got up early for school, and submitted all my work just fine. i could show up to my workout classes no problem. nothing about my skin or weight really changed. i also had the habit of sleeping at 4 and waking up at noon, and would undermine the effects of sleeping so weirdly by pointing out that i still get eight hours of sleep.

but man... since i started weightlifting with this trainer, i've changed my mind on all of that. when i sleep poorly, i'm irritable, i can't bring myself to get stuff done, i eat more mindlessly, i get tired more + can't lift heavy at the gym... and that applies both when i lack sleep and when i sleep at shit times. even 2am to 10am feels Not Optimal.

this is not to say i've been great about my sleep since i started lifting, but i feel a huge difference when i fall asleep before 2am vs after. they say 10pm-2am is the best time to be asleep and i'm a believer now. the circadian rhythm got me, fellas.

all of this is to say that i have been going about my life performing at 30%~50% recently and it's not been super fun. i can't get anything done in the day because i just nap a bunch, and i can't get anything done at night because worm cries. (she also cries during my nap.) i've also been short with her recently, which i feel guilty about because it's not like she can stop any of her body's reactions. thankfully, i think the worst is over, although last night she was still restless. hoping for a better night tonight for both of us.

it's coming at a time when i really need to lock in too LMAO. but somehow, i'm making it work! your girl is a complainer and a procrastinator, but she'll still get things done. some things i've still been able to do include:

  • prepare a whole heap of materials for my program
  • attend classes, meetings, etc.
  • teach my cousin and her friend some basic korean
  • deadlift my personal best so far – 75kg!
  • attend a doctor's appointment with the intention of getting assessed for whatever the hell is going on with me... i just want answers man
  • join a small merch business as a designer
  • hang out with my siblings (i had to take a class from my brother's apartment the other day, because the wifi was out at ours... it was chaotic but fun)
  • finish some commissions and start some others
  • draw my self-indulgent ducktales fanart in my downtime
  • update my blog! i'm enjoying it again! (though now that i am, i've come back to the dilemma of "what differentiates my site diary and my blog"...)
  • interview for a volunteer position doing some online archival work (i got it!)
  • update this site, kinda!

listed out like this, i realize i'm doing more than i think i am. i guess i'm proud of myself for being able to accomplish all that :•) but i know i'm struggling to find the time and energy to continue, so i hope to have more restful sleeps soon. please...

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