recovering from extreme clench
i keep being like "it's not been that long since my last diary entry" and then before i know it, a month and a half goes by. OKAY!!! i would like to write more frequently, since this is a diary after all.
the past few weeks have been very stressful for me! my break from my program finally ended and i got back into preparing for the practicum part of it, which is the last leg of the program. my instructor for these last 14 weeks of the program was so immediately sweet and supportive, which was a welcome departure from the one i had just before my break @__@
i was very keen on finishing the program under her, but was having trouble communicating with the organization i was set to work with... they did not seem ready to have me onboard, and lots of things were being pulled together last minute, so i suggested we move my start date to october instead. this annoyed me a little, because the reason i took a leave from my program in the first place was also because my org was not ready. AND when i proposed this delay i felt like they were frustrated with me about changing things around! i wouldn't ask to move my start date if i felt you guys were ready!!! argh...
i also had to email my advisor about this JUST AFTER finally restarting the program, and prayed she did not think i was the most irresponsible person in the world. all of this uncertainty stressed me out so much my sleeping patterns fell out of wack again, and i had to cancel a few sessions at the gym + worry about my trainer hating me too LOL. it sure is a time for the most anxious bitch in the world!
(of course, neither of them turned out to be mad at me, and my very mentally stable dad reminded me of this during the 24-48 hours i was stressed out and paralyzed about it. will i learn anything from this? GOD i fucking HOPE so........)
it was especially frustrating for me because at this point, i am really just finishing this program in order to finish it. i don't know if i want the job i'm getting certified for, really – not anymore. i will probably pursue it for a few years just so i can be employed + salaried, and will use the certification to help me land a job somewhere Not Here, but it's more a stepping stone than anything. and because my heart isn't in it anymore, any complications arising from it are doubly annoying.
thankfully the delay is not that long – i start again in a little under two weeks, thank god. and my schedule with my workplace won't be as hectic as i thought it would be, so my fears of no longer having a life or hobbies upon returning to the real world have been abated. i kind of get the feeling that the worst part of this whole endeavor is over, so i'm relieved.
now that i'm not quite so clenched, i have a bit more time to (guiltlessly) work on other stuff: commissions, my site, personal projects... i'd really like to make a little zine before the year ends. i've also been hanging out more with some art friends and going to art events lately, and it's got me reflecting on the sort of things i want to make + sort of artist i want to be! i'm wondering if i should make a separate page for those thoughts, or throw them in with the diary stuff. i feel like a separate page is fun, and will be enjoyable to code, but we'll see!
i also hope to start writing more on here, especially since i have mixed feelings about my other public thought receptacles these days. this diary remains a pretty enjoyable space to write in though, so i will probably talk to you again soon ^_^ seeya...